DENVER — Concerned acquaintances of local gamer Dale Dexter reported the grim news that he only really uses his Xbox to watch movies these days, sources have confirmed.
“Wow man, that’s the saddest shit I’ve seen in a while,” said Arnie Sanders, after discovering his close friend hadn’t used his Xbox to play a video game in over a year. “I was over by Dale’s house waiting for a prescription to get filled, so I asked him if I could come hang for a bit. When I did, you could tell he was scrambling a little bit to figure out a game we could play. Everything he thought of needed some massive update so finally we settled on watching some old Monk DVDs he had. It was weird.”
Dale Dexter confirmed the allegations, although he was confused by the reaction he inspired.
“I’m still not sure what Arnie was so disturbed about,” said Dexter. “It’s not like I don’t play games at all or anything. There’s some stuff on my phone that’s pretty fun, and I still play my Switch once in a while. Honestly with all of these different streaming services and things coming and going all the time, it’s nice to just have a physical media collection and a solid player, like the Xbox. I don’t know why Arnie started crying when I told him that, but it’s true!”
Microsoft executives warned that Dexter’s fate is a tragedy that could strike more easily than you might expect.
“No one thinks it can happen to them,” said Laura Goodwin, a spokesperson for Xbox. “Everyone thinks they’ll be young and game forever. And then one day you buy a used copy of some weird cult movie you like on Blu Ray and you don’t even recognize the Xbox menu when you turn it on. It’ll happen to one in four gamers, in fact. It’s a more serious problem than a lot of us realize.”
“What can we do about it?” she conginued. “Get involved with your buddy’s lives. Talk to them. Remind them to play video games.”
As of press time, authorities have insisted that if you’re worried a loved one might just be using their Xbox to watch movies that you remind them Rocket League and Fortnite are free on there.